gone again

the first time i rode across canada was on a greyhound bus, the summer of ’72 … i was 14, my friend anne was 16, and our parents — remarkably — had given us permission to spend six weeks on our own, just the two of us, traversing the country, with stops along the way at various prairie towns. anne, ukrainian on her mom’s side, seemed to have relatives in every whistlestop in every western province, so we took advantage of their hospitality at every opportunity.

we had layovers in winnipeg, brandon, roblin and dauphin; ended up attending two different ukrainian weddings on the same day (i never ate so many pyrogies in my life); learned there’s nothing to do when you’re cruisin’ through wawa at 3 a.m. except give up all hope of sleep and join in with your fellow passengers as they chant WA-WA! WA-WA! o’er hill and dale; and discovered that when you get back on the bus after a meal stop in banff, you should make sure you board the same bus as your luggage is on because by that point, all roads lead to vancouver, and the drivers are too annoyed by the hare krishnas and their tambourines to care about your lost rucksack.

like i said, it was 1972. a different time, to be sure. i don’t know if i’d want my 14-year-old daughter travelling with a girlfriend on a bus for six weeks across the country today, but at the time it didn’t seem dangerous at all. there were people who smoked and drank alcohol on the bus, and hippie types who nibbled on their own sprouted bread and stinky cheese while the rest of us raced to the bus-depot chow lines for burgers and cokes. i don’t remember all the place names we zoomed past, but i do recall that anne and i giggled a lot during that long ride to vancouver and back.

the reason it’s on my mind now is because starting on sunday, i’ll be making that drive again. a drive i swore i’d never repeat after it just about killed me in march of 1980. i was en route to a job in fort saskatchewan, alberta, escaping my home-town of barrie … and found out the hard way that those cynics aren’t kidding when they say, “it takes you three frickin’ days just to get out of ontario.” day 3 was the leg from the lakehead to winnipeg, and not 40 minutes after morning coffee in thunder bay i encountered a patch of black ice on a blind curve, spun around helplessly in a series of terrifying 360s, and eventually came to rest on a guardrail overlooking a steep drop — somehow miraculously avoiding the semi-trailer that was slowly churning toward my little datsun b210 at the same time as i was seeing my life flash before my eyes.

ah, good times. my eventual drive back to ontario 18 months later (what can i say, i missed the humidity) was in much better weather, but that didn’t make the route any more user-friendly. it’s a slog, and you can only pound out the drum solo from radar love on the steering wheel so many times. so why am i doing it again, 27 years later?

because a couple of good friends are alberta bound, moving west to edmonton from the teeny rural hamlet of harley, ont., and i volunteered (in a moment of weakness) to help them drive their vehicles out to this great land of opportunity. because that’s what friends do.

it could end up being another road trip from hell. there’ll be gross pit stops at greasy diners with signs proclaiming “eat here and get gas,” and slow grinds behind logging trucks. but there’ll also be a glimpse of beautiful downtown kenora, which holds a special place in my heart because it’s where eva anita burr and clifford james macfayden tied the knot back in ’51. and, if the weather’s semi-decent, there’ll be tired feet danglin’ out the car windows, and miles and miles of bad singing. and we’ll take turns driving each other crazy hollering “are we there yet?” as we try not to get lulled into la-la-land by those seemingly endless stretches of prairie highway.

that’s the great thing about being canadian, eh? ya just lock your habs ballcap (oh gawd i just outed myself as a canadiens fan, gulp) into the load position, grab another tray of double-doubles from the timmy’s drive-through, slide some renaissance drivin’ tunes into the car stereo and throw everything you’ve got into high gear.

the open road does the rest.

see you on the 18th, babies, with bugs in my grill and high-octane spather
in my road diary.

miss e

she landed in our cornfield.
not, like you may have heard, in the bermuda triangle or somewhere in the pacific,
but in a soft patch in auntie’s north 40.

and she liked it so much, she just stayed.

our house was small, and nothing fancy; just some wood and brick and not even indoor plumbing — but there was always room for one more, auntie said. and feeding another mouth? heck, back then, we all knew how to stretch a meal.

at first she didn’t talk much. not at all, really.
so we made sure she wasn’t hurt and then we left her alone.

we fed her air and light and quiet time when she seemed to need it — which was often — and soup and bread and hot, hot tea, with honey.

auntie told me to let her be, to not follow her around or disturb her with talk unless she spoke to me first. i was full of questions, but tried hard to be patient and waited for the answers to float down from the sky.

she slept on a cot in the tool shed — one tattered blanket was all we could spare — and she seemed to like being close to the ground. but she looked up a lot, squinting & frowning at the clouds.

our dog lucky was drawn to her. she smiled when he would come around, and let him sleep at her feet.

after the first week miss e started to talk. by then we’d figured out who she was but didn’t let on we knew anything except what she’d told us. which was nothing much, ‘cept that a storm came up, she lost her bearings, prayed hard, and … woke up in our corn.

auntie thinks she lost her confidence along with her bearings, but she didn’t say that out loud to her, just to me. “people sometimes go from bold to bashful overnight. ‘specially women,” is how she put it. “this gal, she’s known false comfort, and betrayal, and lately she’s known more pain than anyone else. the pain of losing herself. she got caught up in something, and is trying to find her way back.”

back to where? i wanted to ask. but auntie just shushed me and told me to go get a nicer pillow from the couch for mel’s head. that’s what auntie had taken to calling her, and she called auntie a dear, and eventually she called auntie a lifesaver, and eventually auntie called mel to her bed.

and lucky’s heart took flight ’cause after that he got to keep both their sets of feet warm.

and i breathed easier, though i wasn’t sure why. i still missed my dearly departed uncle jake, but never since the day he died had i seen a grin on auntie’s face like the one miss e put there.

it wasn’t hard, keeping miss e a secret from the neighbours. we said she was auntie’s long-lost cousin, recently widowed, penniless and heartbroken. and that we’d put her up ’til she got back on her feet. everyone knew that mean forever, ’cause where else was she gonna go?

and my grinning aunt continued to feed her soup and tea with honey. miss e, er, mel helped her with the corn. she detested the cows. said they wasted the wings that god gave them. whatever that meant.

she taught me to catch a baseball, patch a tire, and could mend the tractor even better than uncle jake used to do.

she told me that the answer to just about anything would come to you if you stared at the clouds long enough. sometimes she would walk to the end of the lane at night, look up at the stars and just sigh.

she and auntie always seemed to get along real fine. the closest they ever came to having an argument happened one day when auntie came home from town with a newspaper tucked under her arm. she showed it to mel and they tried not to let me see, but i made out the words “called off” and “presumed dead.” they talked for a while in low voices, stern but calm.

i asked what was going on and they sent me to the pump for water.

when i got back, auntie was at the stove and mel was sweeping up the shards of our brown betty teapot that lay broken on the kitchen floor.

then she took lucky for a long walk, and they didn’t return until suppertime.

auntie didn’t say a word, just cut her a slice of bread, set a bowl of soup in front of her, and went to bed.

mel picked up her spoon, twirled it in her hand a few times, set it back down and then followed auntie into the bedroom. lucky and i went out on the porch and sat until the stars came out.

the low murmur of their voices wafted through the window. i didn’t want to eavesdrop so i threw stones at the shed and tried not to hear what sounded like my auntie crying.

i curled up on the porch swing and was whistling an unhappy tune when mel came out a little while later. she told me she had decided it would be best for all of us if she left.

auntie came out and said the only thing that was best for all of us would be if mel stayed.

i looked from auntie to mel and back to auntie.

mel took her hands out of her trouser pockets and placed them gently on my auntie’s shoulders.

“you sure?” she asked softly.

“absolutely,” auntie whispered.

“then i guess i’m not goin’ anywhere,” mel smiled.

“except to town tomorrow, to buy a new teapot,” auntie grinned.

lucky howled at the moon.

how to tell when you’re being left by a heartless girl

broken heartit starts with her saying it’s all her; it’s not you.
it starts with her saying she just needs some “space.”
she will say she still loves you and always will.
she will hold your hand and beg your forgiveness.
she will let go of your hand and cry.
she will let you sleep with her one last time.
she will say she wishes it didn’t have to be this way.
she will have whispered conversation on the phone,
then pretend it was a wrong number.

she will forget to come home on the same frozen winter night as the furnace breaks down and you will check the time every 20 anguished minutes — shivering and praying
that she’s dead in a ditch because it beats the alternative — until 4 a.m. when she will spill through the front door insisting she owes you no explanation for where she’s been (nowhere) or who she’s been with (no one). later she will say she got so tired
she just fell asleep on the couch of a generous friend. this friend will have no name,
and will hang up whenever you answer the phone.

she will stop using your shared kitchen appliances and start eating out all the time.
she will stop borrowing your sweaters and demand that you return her tennis racquet.
her suddenly immaculate bathroom will be declared off-limits to you once and for all.
she will stop changing clothes in front of you.
she will no longer watch TV in her underwear.

she will let you sleep with her one more last time.

she will be careless with your books, neglect your cats,
spill coffee on your best dress shirt.
all because she is trying to make you hate her.
she believes it is easier that way.

she will suggest you start seeing other people
and suddenly it will be ridiculously obvious that for her, that ship has already sailed.
she will encourage you to make new friends, get out more, party!
but god help you if you want to go out dancing in the same place as her.

she will stop leaving you post-it notes all over the apartment.
she will stop asking “how was your day, honey?”
… she will stop calling you honey.

she will stop bringing you bagels & lattes on sunday mornings.
she will start listening to music she used to despise.
she will bring home new age CDs labeled relaxation for lovers and water harmony
and karmic lust and tell you to keep your zen-challenged mitts off them.

she will break your favourite mug.
she will break the zipper on your supposedly indestructible MEC parka.
she will break all the rules of civilized leaving…

she will break your heart.

somehow the world

superman’s dead
and so, now, is moses
and cool hand luke
and our brokeback fantasy
along with, some might suggest,
every soothing shade of blue that ever used to exist
and somehow the world still turns

they’re building another ice rink in this frozen shinny-obsessed city
but new orleans is still under water
and well-intentioned kids are still comin’ back in bodybags
and my sister
my sister just found a stone in her left breast
and somehow the world still turns

we meditate & self-medicate
over-eat & super-annuate
we’ve lost our ability to articulate
but not our inclination to hate
yet somehow this world still turns

we forget how to play
forget we ever knew how to pray
find ourselves craving human touch
then we wonder why we drink so goddamn much
and somehow the world still turns

we start to wonder if we’re losing our minds
— or is it just our credit that’s slipping away? —
as we install plasma screens in every child’s bedroom
and cell phones for every plugged-in waking moment
of every toxic shrink-wrapped day

we ask what’s the catch?
what’s the deal?
what’s the point?

and
why don’t we go out dancing any more?

and yet …and yet … and yet …
the believers still find reasons to celebrate
and the romantics are still howling at the moon
and you and i
you and i are still on our feet

and the liars, they never stop pretending
and the bombs, they never stop exploding
and the poets
the poets are having trouble sleeping
and somehow
this world
still
turns

she’s tired

of harper / bush / cheney / afghanistan /
winter / whiners / iraq / iran / china /
heath ledger / heathrow / death row / deadbeats / dieters /
britney / bertuzzi / barrack / hillary /
banks / cellulite / transfats / SUVs /
brand names / bran / brain-dead baristas
who ask if you want room for cream in your coffee
and fill it to the brim anyway / sore feet /
steady eddy & the ghost of king ralph / family values / family guy /
red-puzzle.jpg assholes horking up phlegmballs the size of hamsters
on jasper avenue sidewalks / assholes in general /
football players & movie stars who go into politics /
people who vote for football players and movie stars who go into politics /
radio stations calling themselves joe & bob & earl
as if that gives them some kind of “regular guy” cachet /
gravity / steroids / gluttons / misogynists / pollution /
plagiarists / paris hilton / perez hilton / racism / sexism /
spin doctors / evangelists / terrorists / garage bands /
rudeness / ritalin / bad medicine / bad drivers / bad religion /
bad timing / dampness / zen lite / global-warming naysayers /
global-bullying apologists / computer viruses / fear-mongerers /
pro-lifers who want to kill everybody who disagrees with them /
big oil / big pharma / big war puppets / big noise /
big bad will ferrell movies / facebook /
homophobes who insist they’re not homophobes
because they meant the “stupid” gay, not the “gay” gay /
cologne that smells like insect repellent / fake cheese /
ignorant pet owners who refuse to scoop their dog’s poop /
managers who don’t know how to manage /
girls gone wild / boys gone stupid /
injustice / info-tainment /
guns / polyester / dancing with the has-beens /
roger clemens / auto racing / excess / violence /
raisins /

so very tired.

believers

I am seven years old.
This is the first lie.
And so it begins.

The first time was the hardest. I told my new classmates that I was royalty.
That we had moved here from across the sea. That my father was a duke
and my mother a duchess with a huge fortune. The other kids did not want
to believe me at first but they were young and easy to fool.

I showed them a ring I found in the dirt. I said it was a thousand years old,
handed down through gypsy grandmothers until it was mine. They believed me.

The lying got easier. I said I was born with two hearts; that there was nothing
they could do; that even all the duke’s money couldn’t fix it until I was much older;
and that each day my mother the duchess cried and prayed that I would live
long enough to have the operation. They believed me.

I said that as a baby I was taught a special ancient language that only certain people could know; that you had to have a magic kind of tonsil to speak this mystical language. They believed me — and begged to hear me speak to them in this special tongue.
I said I could, but that they would all be struck dead if their common ears heard it.
They believed me … and begged me not to speak it.

I said I had a horse with wings that could only be seen at night; that came to my window at midnight and spirited me away to the stars, and brought me back home just in time for breakfast each morning. They believed me.

I said I had a cat with three heads and three tails that transformed into my bed at night; that purred me to sleep and tickled me with its whiskers. They believed me.

I said I had a wise old aunt with a magic mirror that could tell the future —
and that it had told her a big, red ball would fall out of the sky and destroy the earth before three more moons had come and gone. They believed that, too.

They believed and became frightened and told their parents about all the things
I had said. Their parents said I was a witch and that I must be punished.
They came for me with stones. And sticks. And fire.

I told them it was all lies — that there was no duke and duchess, no gypsy ring,
no double heart. There was no magic language, no winged horse, no catbed,
no all-knowing mirror and, especially, no big red ball about to fall from the sky.

They did not believe me.

you think

you-bl.jpgyou think you blind
you ain’t seen blackness

you think you pure
you ain’t seen lightness

you think you holy
ain’t nothin’ about you that’s sacred

you think you unclean
you ain’t tasted filth

you think you limitless
you ain’t carried freedom’s chain

you think you outraged
you barely breathin’, girl

you think you crimson
lady, you don’t know red

you think you less than honest
you starin’ at the queen of lies

you think you disadvantaged
you ain’t seen real trouble

you think you scarred
you don’t know disfigurement

you think you damaged
you ain’t torched your own skin

you think you fooling everybody
tremblin’ behind that weak-ass mask

you think you untouchable
you may be right about that one

washing day

my name is clementine
and i need time
breakdowns take time, you know

they sent me away, child
they sent me away
i want to go home
i need to go home
they won’t let me go home
where is my home?
do they even remember me there?

i need time
time to do the baking
as if this great depression were not bleak enough
there’s a war on, you know
there’s a war on and it’s washing day and all three
of my boys’ socks need darning
and there’s no formula for the baby
and the laundry keeps piling up
and my husband just sits on the porch
smoking his pipe

i need time, child
breakdowns take time, you know

sometimes i think it might not be so bad to take the drink
just one very small sip
but the pastor says that is not the answer
i need time
time to sleep
sleep, perchance to … god, i am so tired
sometimes i think it might be nice to just
lie down on the kitchen floor and sleep
forever
sleep
forever
… but who has time for that?
breakdowns take time

that’s what they said i had
when they sent me away the first time, child:
“she’s having a breakdown.”

i wanted to howl then. oh, how i wanted to howl
but ladies don’t. ladies just don’t.
always remember this, child: proper ladies do not howl.
ladies in 1941 with husbands and children
and a war on and no food in the pantry
most certainly do not howl.
they simply break down
and get sent away

listen to me, child, i need more time
i need time to get to that laundry
i need time to get those damn socks darned
i need time to bake
something sweet for the boys
my sweetie boys
and i can’t possibly do it all

so i think i choose
to sleep
i will finish the washing
then i will sleep
sleep the glorious sleep of the dead
sleep, and stop feeling like i’m the one
being fed through the wringer

child, i am going to need more time
need to sleep
need to break down
to wash this stain off me

granddaughter
take me out with you tonight
out for some tea, and maybe a dance
let it be just you and me
& let’s howl, shall we?
lord, how we shall howl

and after …
perhaps then there’ll be time to sleep

carpal tunnel mountain

what the river says

go slow
feed me
(you’ve
forgotten how,
forgotten you used to know this;
but it will come
back to you)

talk to me
bathe in me
stand near me
lie down beside me
breathe

be still
hear me
listen
take a drink
water yourself
use me as breath
as guide
your personal elixir
your own grand
design

dip your toes in me
it cleanses us both

what the mountain says

banff bloggo slow
approach with respect
bring sturdy shoes

relax
feed me
hear me
listen

do not take that photograph
do not take that phone call
take a deep breath
take a leap of faith
exhale

disconnect the laptop
reconnect the dots:
land to sky
foot to rock
hand to heart to head to hand

walk on me
walk through me
take comfort in my ancient underground hum
as your foot provides comfort to me

i breathe spark
i breathe mint
i breathe wild rose and sage
and purple green grey mist
just like you do

remember?

what the caribou says

go slow
i am not that different from you
lost child
we walk the same trail
our heads heavy and
restless

connect to the earth
hear what is beneath
accept the obstacles you encounter
know every path began
with unclear intent

eat
feed yourself
take what you need
leave some for others

listen. wait.
listen. wait.
listen. wait.

be aware

what the writer sees

treadmills
carved into the side of the mountain
jackhammers, chainsaws
drown out the song of the jays

deer can’t feed on daytimers and dollar signs

what happened
to the art
that used to live
in the earth?