News item, February 2011:
Toronto the Good ditches longtime nicknames T.O., T.Dot and Hogtown; dubs itself ‘El Toro.’
Please refer to Seinfeld episode #175: You cannot give yourself a nickname. It must be bestowed upon you by others. As George Costanza discovered, when you try to get people to call you ‘T-Bone’ you end up being called ‘Koko.’
Ironically (or was it a
cry-for-attention cheeky collective nod to Seinfeld?), ‘T-Bone’ was runner-up in the Eye Weekly contest that unleashed ‘El Toro.’
Whatever. Nine months have passed since CBC television host Evan Solomon, one of the celebrity judges, proclaimed the winning moniker has ‘a delightfully multicultural tinge.’ Right. So … Is anyone actually referring to Toronto
as El Toro?
Didn’t think so.
two bruised peaches on the subway platform
samuel taylor coleridge on the TTC
two new moleskin notebooks
to match your bergundy chick-magnet blundstones
whispering around the henry moore
gourmet popcorn on the menu at starbucks
man on crutches to litterer: you dropped something.
litterer: thank you.
man on crutches: you dropped something.
litterer: you’re welcome.
man on crutches: so why don’t you pick it up?
litterer: fuck you.
man on crutches: aren’t you going to pick it up?
litterer: fuck you!
man on crutches: pick it up!
litterer: go fuck yourself!
you miss chagall at the AGO by one week
dark green centre
lochhead . riopelle . borduas
shamanic art ^^^ automatist painting ^^ ahhhhh ^
canadian landscape (NFB movie
featuring a.y. jackson, 1941
you know, the year your grandmother
‘can paradise ever be achieved?‘
A) damnshit right it can. got some of it right here ahhhh ahhhh ^^^^^ ahhhhh ^^
B) not without modern appliances
robert motherwell says art = an experience, not an object.
general idea says poodles = “the hairdresser’s little friend”
(which of course = code for “SO GAY!”) ^~^~^~^
it’s obvious you’ve been wondering:
what is it about the poet brain?
what sets those sad captains apart?
is it hope? belief in miracles?
in true love in daffodils in forever?
you may not be ready to hear this but the truth is
when we myopic fools finish deep wrestling with a particularly obstreperous line
or recalcitrant couplet
we more frequently than we care to admit
wake up in a strange hotel room days later
lying next to stanzas smeared with blood and mascara
exclamation marks reeking the sweaty sour reek of vodka
hungover commas retching into the morning-after porcelain
(which act of punctuational thuggery
tore the bathroom door off its hinges this time?)
the fetid stench of onomatopoeia
hanging in the air
like stale pizza
oh look look at the clever hipster youngster
being wicked funny on queen street
‘donation? donation?’ he giggles, waving an empty coffee cup
under the noses of saturday night flaneurs and leafs fans.
the genius is wearing a $200 gap sweater and shiny italian shoes.
begging as a lark, it’s such a joke, will anyone toss a coin
into his blatantly un-needy cup?
(true homelessness has become just so banal …)
three blocks later another sharp dresser grabs your arm and asks for change.
no but i’ll give you five bucks for that leather jacket
— what? fuck. no. seriously, lady. i need it for food. i haven’t eaten in three days.
— PLEASE! THREE DAYS!
you start walking away so he accosts the person behind you
with even more hostility in his voice.
— for food! PLEASE!
then he leans against a brick wall and (blatantly, defiantly) lights up a joint.
geez, pal, if you can afford weed surely you can afford a cheeseburger
three reasons why i’ll never be a travel writer:
3.) you need to have an attention span; i had mine surgically removed some years back.
2.) you need to make careful observances about regional landmarks and scenic things, and take lots of notes. i am unable to do those things when i travel. i eat what’s in season, and i drink what’s on tap at the local pub, and i take pictures of visually appealing meals that are plunked down in front of me, and i stare at these most amazing clouds, and i forget the names of almost everything that is shown to me, so that later, when it comes time to write about these things, i can’t remember a thing.
1.) you need to capture the essence of place in your writing, in a way that is compelling and interesting for the reader. being totally self-absorbed, and constantly in search of comfort foods, i tend to capture little but the essence of what’s on the end of my fork at any given time.
that said, what follows is the sum total of the woefully inadequate jottings from my upside-down travel journal, new zealand, 2009.
january 16: finish packing. tidy computer desk. clean basement. leave for auckland, 4 p.m. flight
jan. 17: the lost day
jan. 18: arrived in auckland 5 a.m. it took half an hour to get our bags and another 30 minutes to get through various customs checks. a security beagle sniffed out my cashews, which were missed (ha!) by the spaniel.
lindy’s friend claire met us at the airport and drove us to blockhouse bay road. had coffee/tea and chatted a bit, then went for groceries (to two stores, and still forgot some things, which meant another trip out later in the day.) i slept from 10:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. while lindy and claire went out walking. ate lunch around 2 p.m. — bread, cheese, tomatoes and a nice hummus with jalapeno and lime and even coriander (which was, mercifully, disguised by the jalapeno).
took my camera for a walk for about an hour, and then sat on the back step and stared at claire’s clothesline and garden. dinner was pasta with artichokes, olives, rocket, preserved lemon and haloumi. yummy.
jan. 19: woke around 5 a.m. after seven straight hours of sleep. got up at 6 and made coffee. there’s a bit of rain but also lots of blue sky above. to get: coffee. claire took us on a literary tour of auckland / ponsonby / devonport (lunch).
jan 21: gannet colony (takapu refuge) and muriwai beach.
jan. 22: vector arena. leonard cohen concert. 7:30 p.m. awesome. 26 songs, including seven during three encores. (when cohen sang the line, “democracy is coming … to the u.s.a.” — this being two days after barack obama’s inauguration — the entire place erupted.)
jan. 23: women’s weekend at whatipu lodge.
jan. 24: walked two hours up big hill overlooking the water. (ed’s note: see what i mean about lack of attention span? details, macfayden. grab some freakin’ details.)
jan. 25: sick. sore throat and flu-ish. left whatipu (pronouced fa-ti-poo) around 2. stopped for lozenges on the way home. (thank you, claire.)
jan. 26: *mail birthday card to shelley. 7:30 a.m. train to palmerston north — 10 hours. met by maree at 5:30 p.m., then about a half-hour drive to tangimoana. still feel sick. ate supper at 9 p.m. — zucchini soup, potatoes and beans, pasta with zucchini and beets. sabine made me thyme tea with honey for my throat. (thank you, sabine.)
jan. 27: toast and honey for breakfast. walked with lindy to what we thought was the sea, but was in fact the mouth of a very large river. took lots of pictures. had soup for lunch. sabine made a thai curry for supper. still sick.
jan. 28: throat worse. (like i swallowed razorblades.) sabine & maree insisted i see a doctor in palmerston north before we boarded the bus for wellington. am now on penicillin (it’s probably strep). 4 p.m., checked into cambridge hotel, wellington. paid $17.50 for two beers at a bar down the street. had dinner at an indian restaurant.
jan. 29: $2 breakfast special (egg and toast) at the hostel cafe, and another $6.50 for tea and coffee. $4 for a takeaway coffee at a cafe and $2.50 for a lemon-thyme flavoured chocolate for lindy. picked up groceries: almond butter, hummus, yogurt, juice, tea, milk. te papa national museum / shopping for merino wool items on cuba street / willis street / indian supper on courtenay.
jan. 30: rode the “iconic” wellington cable car to hector’s observatory and the botanical garden. lunch (pumpkin/coconut/curry soup) at leafee on T. road, then more tramping around the botanic garden. supper at one red dog cafe (pasta, salad, beer).
jan. 31: still in wellington. lindy made penne pasta & veg. stirfry for supper in the hostel kitchen, which took over an hour on the world’s most inefficient stovetop.
random notes: wellington has a nifty writers walk along the harbourfront. te papa museum is amazing. went there twice and still didn’t come close to seeing everything. the botanic garden is huge, full of many paths with unclear signage that became very irritating by late afternoon. saw some cool installation art (e.g., white lace and red ribbons on trees) and many more mutant hydrangeas in lovely light blue and lavender colours.
feb. 2: 8:25 a.m. ferry to picton (south island). rough crossing. walked from ferry dock to sequoia hostel on nelson square. then walked back into town to check out cafes, stores, eco-tours, etc. had supper in an indian restaurant. found a nice red pinot noir — mill road hawkes bay 2006. and i generally don’t even like pinot noir, but this one was something to write home about.
feb. 3: this hostel serves free breakfast (toast & jam, coffee, tea) in the mornings and hot chocolate pudding with ice cream every night at 8 p.m. for lunch we cooked penne with swiss chard (called silver beet down here) and garlic. in the afternoon we went on a four-hour eco-tour to the motuara island sanctuary; along the way we saw diving gannets, spotted shags (cormorants), a rare “king” shag, hector’s dolphins and fur seals. on the island we saw a blue penguin chick (in a nesting box). supper was beer and very tasty greek pizza at the slip inn restaurant, where the power kept going off.
feb. 4: (happy birthday shelley b. and kathy s.) rainy day, too wet for another boat tour, so we played scrabble and watched LOTR, part 2, in which the dialogue sucked but the scenery was stunning.
feb. 5: 1 p.m train to kaikoura. quenched our thirst with a monteith’s original on tap, then found a thai restaurant for supper. excellent green curry and veg. pad thai (spelled “pud” thai on the menu). receptionist at dolphin hostel huffy, stuffy and downright rude. toilets are co-ed and smell like pee. room so small we can barely move around the bed; no place to hang clothes or stow our backpacks. we’ll remember this when it comes time to fill out the “backpackers hostel rankings” survey.
feb. 6: waitangi day / mario’s birthday. train to christchurch didn’t leave til 3:30 p.m. so we had time to go on a mid-day whale-watching tour. saw three sperm whales and a pod of dusky dolphins. took about 300 pictures (culled down to 50). guy on the boat sitting next to me got seasick and puked his guts out. arrived christchurch in early evening. women’s guesthouse has a nice herb garden, spring water, and lots of places for hanging clothes — a concept that is lost on many hostel operators.
feb. 7: christchurch market; mailed postcard to sarah (who has a thing about christchurch).
feb. 8: 8:15 a.m. train to greymouth. global village backpackers hostel = nice, clean, cheery. took their bikes out for a walk. (lindy felt uncomfortable riding on the sidewalk, even though it was sunday afternoon and the place was a ghost town.) 4 p.m. tour of monteith’s brewery. our guide paul was very generous with the pour when it came to sampling the six varieties. 6 p.m. laurie’s now-infamous hostile/hostel meltdown (unsuitable content removed by moderator).
feb. 9: 2 p.m. shuttle van tour to punakaiki / pancake rocks and unco-operative blow hole. walked the truman track through rainforest. took lots of photos. very humid.
feb. 10: train back to christchurch. ate hummus & sprouts sandwiches for lunch on the train; supper was nuts and rice crackers and lots of WINE at the women’s guesthouse. light rain in evening. there are two guineapig mascots at this hostel, named princess and duchess.
feb. 11: laundry day at the guesthouse. while lindy toured yet another museum — or was it another botanic garden? — laurie visited the casino and won $2200 NZ. thank you, pink panther slot machine.
feb. 12: rain. women’s guesthouse overbooked, so we moved a few blocks away to foley towers (NOT fawlty towers). met sabine at the art gallery and took her to lunch at the lotus heart. then went to the paua shell house exhibit at canterbury museum. hilarious kitsch. pizza for supper at the bohemian cafe.
feb. 13: 8:40 a.m. bus to akaroa for harbour cruise. cruise ended up being cancelled due to rough seas, so we had lunch (pizza, beer) and stocked up on more merino wool apparel (lindy bought a scarf and gloves and longjohns, and put ALL of them on, because it was so cold that day); laurie got attacked by a flock of vicous red-beaked seagulls.
feb. 14: lunch at the twisted hop; nice pub grub (couscous, roasted vegs) and an outstanding beer sampler. caught a matinee performance of la cage au folles, followed by happy hour (marlborough wine, cheap like borscht!) at a cafe next to the art gallery, followed by valentine’s day supper at lotus heart, followed by email check at an internet cafe. a good heart day.
feb. 15: 7 a.m. train to picton, then 1:10 p.m. ferry to wellington. staying two nights at downtown packpackers hostel.
feb. 16: viewed outstanding “monet and the impressionists” exhibit at te papa. (this was the reason we changed our itinerary and made room for two more nights in wellington. well, that and another lunch at the backbenchers’ pub, home of the best french fries and aioli in the freakin’ salty snack universe!)
feb. 17: 7:25 a.m. train to marton. lunch at the mothered goose cafe in bulls. pasta supper at laura’s (another friend from the gardening email list).
feb.18: 10:25 a.m. train to auckland. arrived at britomart station at 8:30 p.m., one hour late. bumped into claire on the way up from the train at avondale.
feb. 19: auckland. a day of laundry and email.
feb. 20: RAIN. all day. sick (again). claire drove us to thames (“tims”) tonight. we’re spending the weekend at julie and steve’s B&B.
feb. 21: still SICK. cold, flu. (bah.) thames market / coromandel town. lunch at the driving creek cafe. rainforest, kauri grove …
feb. 22: lunch at SOLA (voted best cafe in the region). still sick. stopped at bird refuge on the way back to auckland.
feb. 24: bus to rotorua. lunch at the fat dog cafe, home of the world’s most unique veggie burger. after supper (and poking around steaming stinky sulphur holes), had a lovely soak at the polynesian spa (hot springs). sat outside under the stars at the funky green voyageur hostel and ate brie and drank white wine. lots of white wine.
feb. 25: shuttle tour to lady knox geyser, mud pools, various other places full of of geo-thermal wonders whose names i cannot recall. (ed. says: wai-o-tapu, waimangu, you idiot.)
feb. 26: bus back to auckland.
feb. 27: claire’s birthday. small celebration with cake at home, then out to dinner at an indian restaurant.
feb. 28: were supposed to go to mangawhai but will now stay in auckland. (nice to stay in one place and just hang out, after so much travelling about.)
march 4: buy tim tams. pack. afternoon boat cruise to motuihe island, to take part in a special release of 18 kakariki (red-crowned parakeets) into the wild. fabulous way to spend our final day in auckland.
march 5: 7:30 p.m. return flight to edmonton, via san francisco.
(at this rate i should have the paris trip bloggage posted by august.)
from the menu at the tuileries cafe:
“softness of vegetables” (cream of vegetable soup)
“soft-boiled eggs cremated in sherry vinegar.”
“good looking net of pig in honey and annanas, perfumed rice.”
“sliced thinly by poultry by, mustard former (ancient), perfumed rice.”
Actual recipes taken from the Sequoia Lodge “travellers cook book”:
Ingredients: 1 can Spam, soy sauce, brown sugar, white rice
Mix soy sauce and 2 spoons of brown sugar in a bowl. Cut Spam lengthwise into 5 or 6 slabs and dip them in the sauce. Pop ’em into a frying pan for 3-4 minutes a side. Cook a cup of rice, then mold the rice into the same size as da’ Spam slices. Place da Spam on top of the rice and wrap with
(recipe mysteriously ends here)
SWEET & SOUR VEGETABLES:
Chop onion/peppers/brocolli/carrots. Place in frying pan with small amount of oil. Fry for approx 5 minutes. Add a jar of sweet & sour sauce. (ed’s note: BRILLIANT!) Boil some rice to compliment the above stir fry. Serve and enjoy. Better and healthier than noodles!
BEANS ON TOAST: 1 can Wattlies beans; 2 slices cheddar cheese; 2 slices buttered toast; worstershire sauce (optional).
“Cook” beans in a pan til hot. Add cheese in pan (or put in half and sprinkle half on top). Pour beans over buttered toast and add a few drops of worcester sauce. BON APPETIT!
Approx prep time 2 min. Cook time 5 min. Eating time 10 min
(BEANS ARE HOT DUDE!)
CEREAL IN A BOWL:
Ingredients: Boxed cereal of choice (e.g. Muesli); milk.
Find bowl in cupboard. Pour cereal into bowl. Pour milk on cereal. Approx 250 ml.
Eat with spoon. Smashing!
BACK PACKER PASTA
Ingredients: 1 bag cheap pasta; 1 jar cheap sauce.
Cook cheap pasta / add cheap sauce. Eat.
Ingredients: 2 slices bread; 2 spoons mayones; 4 slice tomato; salt; cheese.
Make your self sandwich with the ingredients written up.
This is the best sandwich (although I haven’t found a good chees here in NZ)
(No good cheese in NZ? Man, are you kidding me?)
GLASSE O AQUA
Get glass. Fill with water from cold tap. Down the water instantly.
Get glass. Don’t fill with water. Contemplate empty glass.
Sign outside church in Marton, NZ: